what is the point of life?
I have been asking this question for I don’t even know how long. Not always a suicidal thing but I guess you could say I’ve been in an existential crisis for some years now. At first, I was asking it from this overwhelming sense of hopelessness that I had. I was very depressed and I just did not want to be here anymore. Eventually it turned into blatant exhaustion yet not a willingness to give up which I consider progress.
My notes in my phone are a vault of my most personal thoughts and feelings so I’m anxious to share this here. But this is a note I wrote on August 9, 2018. I think it is important to share only to give you an idea of where I was then vs. now. Wherever you are in life right now, I hope you read this and see that if things can change for me they can change for you too. I say all the time that healing isn’t linear. I didn’t feel this months ago and do a complete 180. It has been, and will probably continue to be, a rollercoaster but I had to accept it. Life.
Depression -> living in the past
Anxiety -> trying to live in the future
I was out here stressing about both and a common question going through my mind was “What is even the point?”. The point of life, the point of going through it all, all this for what?? I won’t act like I am about to teach anyone the sole purpose of life because I’m not God. This is just what has brought the most meaning to mine and finally answered my question.
Right away we are supposed to be born into love. I say supposed to because circumstances vary and not everyone is blessed enough to be born into a loving family. So, ideally, we are born and what do we get embraced in? This incredible, unconditional, selfless love from our parents. A love that moves people to tears. Eventually we grow up, we go through some things, we grow into ourselves and then the harder part hits. Self-love. That one can be a long, gruelling journey.
Later on, if you so decide, you find someone to pour love into for the rest of your life. Marriage... if you believe in that sorta thing (and it’s more than okay not to considering it’s simply a societal measure of success but let’s not go there right now).
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Some people skip steps; they don’t get to do the personal work before they have kids. Their children then show them this real love. As if someone is like okay now that you KNOW it is possible…there is no longer any excuse to withhold that from yourself. That is what happened to me. I learned that unconditional love everyone had been talking about through Amari. Then I learned my capacity for a whole different love through my past relationships. All of this just solely based around love for ourselves and others. Our most meaningful, lasting connections are rooted in it.
Let’s go beyond humans now. Some people love their careers, their homes, their possessions, their pets. Some people love to help others. Some people love money. Some people love to create. Some people love to learn. The bottom line is LOVE. That’s what it always comes down to! If you aren’t in love with what you do, are you feeling fulfilled everyday? Or are you waking up just going through the motions…
A visual of me leaving for work every day
If you resonate with the second option, word. I feel you. Now imagine a life where you wake up already filled with love for whatever your day consists of. Don’t you think it would feel different?
Love and gratitude go hand in hand for me. On days I feel hopeless, I try to sit down and reflect. I recognize I haven’t gone through hardships for nothing, not with this ability to relay my thoughts and feelings on paper. It isn’t a small coincidence at all I am simply living my truth. I want to help people. I want less people to feel alone and lost like I have. I don’t have a degree in social work or psychology so unfortunately I can’t do the jobs they’re qualified to do (yet). I used to really beat myself up over not being at that place already and it is only when I decided to just do the best I can in every moment, that I could love my life a little more. There became a bigger reason to wake up in the morning.
With the change in my mindset came this immense gratitude. Grateful that I have a laptop to type on. Grateful for my trials and tribulations somehow. Grateful for the relationships I have had despite the outcomes. I am eternally grateful for my son even though he was only on this side for two weeks. Grateful for my pain because without it I could never be who I am today and I couldn’t appreciate the moments of happiness and freedom. When I am grateful, I am full of love. Love for God, for my life, for the people I’ve met along the way, for the connections I’ve made, the places I’ve been, for who I have become. It fills me. Allowing myself to be grateful despite loss has been so healing. I can never lose the actual love I can only adapt to it and continue forward. It’s impossible to lose when it’s true so yes we may physically lose someone but experiences and lessons will never disappear.
Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.
Our reasons for living are attached to the love we hold. Whether that be for yourself, your spouse, your family, your career, your aspirations, your pet, your home, whatEVER there is no right or wrong here. It all boils down to what you allow yourself to feel because the deeper your space for love, the more gratitude. We all go through painful things in life. After being hurt so much, I was saying f*** getting close to anyone but now I see that I can only lose with that mentality. And I refuse that path. Hurt can fester in your heart and soul; I am convinced emotional pain can make you physically ill. Some pain may feel like you have a hole in your heart but never forget we were given the ability to heal. I pray you can use gratitude as polysporin and time as a band-aid.
And remember that every scar has a story behind it.
I’m not going to live my one life fearing my truth. Fearing life itself. Fearing failure, heartbreak or pain. The things that are inevitable if we are brave and what teaches us our most valuable lessons and gives us the chance to fully appreciate the good.
With life as short as a half-taken breath, don’t plant anything but love.
Love — to me, is our purpose. It is choosing to let go of the past and keep faith for the future. Love is patience, gratitude, vulnerability, forgiveness; a soft prayer. It is allowing space for mistakes. Love transcends ego.
What is love to you?