five questions about surviving mother’s day after a loss
Mother’s Day is known to be a day for celebration and joy. But for mother’s whose child/children have passed away, it can be daunting. When you’ve lost your first child, you also have to cope with a sense of being forgotten or ignored. Whereas I can imagine that when you’ve lost a child but have others, you may have to cope with people reminding you to be grateful for your living children. Almost feeling expected to ‘forget’ or to find it easier to deal with your loss. No matter the details, child loss is extremely difficult.
I had so many questions about how I would survive Mother’s Day after losing my son, Amari. Since this is the first time Mother's Day has ever pertained to me, I found myself wondering:
Is Mother’s Day even for me now?
Will I survive this day?
Do I celebrate or do I grieve? Can I do both?
Will people recognize me as a mother or will they just tiptoe around me?
Will I upset MY mother if I am upset rather than celebrating with her?
Is today even for me?
I carried my son in my womb as long as I could. I did everything in my power to care for him. I felt his kicks. I was his home. I gave birth. I held my son in my arms. This answers my first question. YES, this day is still for me. I am and will always be his mother. This version of motherhood may not be considered as much as the “normal” version. I may not ever get to change his diapers, see his smile, hear his giggle or find out the colour of his eyes. But that is not all motherhood entails, those are simply the blessings that come along with it. Mothers like me are mothers without the extra blessings. My son is my blessing and he is the greatest one I’ve ever received.
Will I survive it?
There is never a time that I don't have my son in my mind and heart. He is always with me whether I’m laughing, smiling, crying or arguing. That is just my reality now. I wont be thinking of him any more or any less on Mother’s Day. I will always love my child, therefore I will always grieve him. The thought of going through today is daunting, I cannot deny that. But it isn't so different from other holidays without him. I am taking it one hour at a time, one breakdown at a time. I have to constantly remind myself that there is no wrong reaction to today. It's very important to be patient and kind to yourself always, but especially while grieving.
Do I celebrate or do I grieve?
As a bereaved mother, I have an intense contrast about my life. Sometimes I think about my son and I feel an immense joy surrounding my experience. Remembering my pregnancy and feeling his kicks for the first time, holding him, seeing him open his eyes, calling him by his name once we’d finally decided on one. I feel such gratitude to have had my son…
But then there’s the other times when I feel an unbearable pain surrounding my experience. Remembering how fast everything changed during my pregnancy, hearing the grim statistics for his survival, holding him for the last time. Grieving a child is grieving your future. There are so many experiences I anticipated that will only ever be fantasies now. I’ve found it important to embrace both celebration and grief. It is the hardest thing in the world yet something I have to do…for myself and for Amari. Affirmation: Today, I will fully embrace any and all emotions I feel.
Will people recognize me as a mother today?
I’ve noticed that since we lost our son, a lot of the time people don't know how to act or what to say. Mother’s Day is most definitely one of those times. I understand that there’s a fear there of saying “Happy Mother’s Day” or even bringing him up and sparking a few tears. But I wish people understood that those tears are always just beneath the surface. I would so much rather people recognize that I am still a mother and have me tear up than to just dismiss this day for me as if the most important moments in my life never happened. The times I get that validation are few and far between considering he is my only child. I try to cope with this sense of being forgotten or ignored every day. My friends with kids complain about things that I find myself asking God daily why He took away my opportunity to experience. It’s important to remember that many people don't ever experience this pain. They don't know how to deal with grief. It can be incredibly lonely when you and your life change but everyone around you stays the same…
I’ve found the best support in joining a community for bereaved mothers. Whether that be a Facebook group, attending support groups in your area or anything else. My favourite is the Facebook groups simply because I'm an introvert. It saddens me that so many women can relate but it also gives me great comfort in knowing I am not alone. I also spoke to my boyfriend a few weeks ago, asking if he'd like us to celebrate Father's Day because I wanted to celebrate Mother's Day. He understands my rollercoaster of emotions today and that's all I can ask for.
Note to others: Please acknowledge bereaved mothers as most of us find comfort in hearing our child's name spoken out loud. It is a sensitive subject but it is so so appreciated when people don't allow it to be the elephant in the room.
Will I upset my mother?
This is a complex question. Every year before this day has always been about her in our household (obviously). But now that everything has changed I had no idea what to expect. The best thing I could do was talk to her. I decided to treat her to a PaintNite with me a couple days before today. I also let her know I might be a little bit out of commission this Mother's Day which she understood. She was upset although not for the reasons I’d anticipated. Sometimes I forget how much of an impact my child has made on my family. I feel alone but I forget that my mother also grieves, just differently. It’s inevitable for us to feel sadness on this day but it’s okay because we can cry in each others arms. I’ve had to learn not to feel guilty about my emotions as long as I continue to do my best to cope with them in a healthy way.
Please note this is not a post to discredit any Mothers and I respect, admire and appreciate you all!! I would love for everyone to read this post whether you can or can’t relate. I’m no psychologist, I only know what I feel and where my opinions lie from experience.
If you’re reading this because you can relate, I’m so sorry for your loss(es). I hope you find at least a small amount of solace in knowing that you are not alone in this. It is a crappy club to be in, but this crappy club is also one of the most supportive. We need to do our best to take care of each other no matter what. Whether you agree or disagree with everything I’ve written, nobody is wrong. Everyone grieves differently, just try not to allow yourself to be wrapped up in the pain. If it helps you to plan a busy day, do that. If you think the latter will help, just take today for yourself. And remember… YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Comment below if you have any questions or even just wanted to throw your thoughts out there! I’d love to read them, and who knows; maybe someone else was thinking it and you just helped them. If you or anyone you know are through this, please share. You may be surprised at how many women are silently going through it as well.